Baby

  Something happened a couple weeks ago that I thought would never happen to me. I hear about them, but thought it would never happen to me, until now. My mom and sisters have both been through it, but only once. I’m hoping this will be a one time thing, it’s too hard to go through again. I’ve leaned on Akoy so much this last while. He has changed, he knew something happened. He now cuddles me and gives me hugs and kisses.  He is just what I needed, especially being away from our family and Bryson being gone all day. I never realized what Akoy could do for me!

I wasn’t planning on sharing this, but I feel that it might provide others comfort, just as I found comfort knowing I wasn’t alone. Others kept living their lives and so could I.

*On my sidebar is a song that happen to play while we were listening to pandora when we had our first scare.  I listen to it now for comfort/peace and it helps me to know everything will be alright. Go ahead and play it.

October 27, 2010,

So many things are going through my head right now and I can’t sleep. I thought I would write everything down and get my thoughts out.

It all started a month ago, when I finally saw two pink lines on the test! I was testing two weeks late and finally got my positive. Before that all I would get were negative tests. I was waiting to test first thing in the morning, when I woke up at 2. I decided what the heck, I’ll just try. It showed up fast. I decided to leave the test out on the counter for Bryson to see in the morning. The next morning Bryson woke up to use the restroom, I reached over and turned on the light. He was annoyed but realized my reasoning when he saw the test.  He jumped back in bed and together we took it that we were going to have another baby.

Fast forward a few weeks, I was still feeling pretty good. Things were different with this pregnancy than with Akoy. I heard that happens, and moved on. Even though, deep down, I knew something was not right. However, I didn’t want to admit it. I was excited to have another baby. Akoy grew up way to quickly. So I moved on.

I was getting really excited, planned the perfect Halloween party to break the news. Ordered “Bun in the Oven” and “Bun Maker” costumes for Bryson and I. I broke down and told a friend early. We were on a long walk and it kinda just came out. Then I suspected another friend was pregnant, so I had Bryson corner her husband. We exchanged secrets. It was fun to exchange stories.

I started to search for a doctor that did VBAC’s. A lot of doctors don’t do that, so it made this next step tricky. I think a couple more friends suspected something was up, and one eventually congratulated Bryson. Bryson had thought I told her, when really I didn’t. Remember that party I planned, getting pretty pointless, but still having everything go as planned.

I bought Akoy a Big Brother shirt to tell the family over face time. I also got Akoy a baby doll and stroller. Which by the way, he loves. Takes his baby everywhere! Gives it lots of hugs and kisses. So adorable!

By this time I was ten weeks. After meeting a doctor, deciding on a different doctor we decided to it was time to tell our families. Sunday came along and Bryson’s family called us. Akoy already had his shirt on and it took a few minutes before my sister in law noticed. They were all really excited. My sister in law is pregnant as well and we were exactly 10 weeks apart. We could hang out together during our Disneyland trip in December.

Next call went out to my family. My dad answered and I told him Akoy wanted to tell him a secret. My dad saw Akoy’s shirt and was excited and  passed on the message to the rest of the family. My brother replied, ‘Is Nebraska that boring?” haha.. yup!  My sister is also pregnant and would have been 8 weeks ahead of me. They would all be in the same school year!

That night, I started bleeding. More than previous spotting. I went to show Bryson and a random song from Pandora came on in the same moment. (the song on the sidebar) I can’t explain the song, except that it created a really sad moment. Like something was wrong, and the song was confirming it. Later that night I asked Bryson to give me a blessing for comfort and peace. The spirit was strong, and I specifically remember a phrase where he mentioned that the Lords path and our path might not be the same, but that the Lord knows what’s best. The blessing confirmed to me that I might loose this baby. Fast forward to the next morning.

I called the doctor, told them about the bleeding. They had me come in for an ultra sound. Bryson left school early (which is a no no in law school). We had our ultrasound, and we saw our baby! The baby had a healthy heart beat and measured 8 weeks 1 day. (remember how I thought I was 10 ½ weeks?) But none the less, a baby was there and looked healthy. They saw a blood blister on the sac, and that is where the blood was coming from.

My thoughts changed, I was still pregnant and I had a baby. I lost a couple weeks, but better than the baby. Looking back, I still knew, just in denial. We left the doctors, excited as ever. Bryson was convinced we were having a girl. We listened to "Kiss the Rain" again with a new meaning, a meaning of comfort that everything was good!

The next day, Tuesday I had my first appointment with the nurse, went through all the paper work and all that fun stuff. Scheduled my next appointment and ultra sound in 2 weeks. Went home feeling pretty confident. We were practically out of the dark!

Wednesday came along and I had a lot to do in order to be ready for my party Thursday. I didn’t over do myself but stayed busy. I didn’t feel really good, but just blamed the bleeding (which was getting a little worse.) The nurse said that they ultra sound could have caused the blister to bleed more.

That night we had dinner, watched some TV and I was getting some cramps. Bryson thought they might be contractions because they were coming every minute or so (he had also read into miscarriages Monday when we thought I had one). I thought the pain was too low and the bleeding was causing cramps. As I was preparing some dips for my Halloween party, when something happened. I felt something fall, it was big, more than blood.  I ran to the restroom and sparing lots of detail, we found out it was my sac with the baby in it.

I quickly called the on call doctor and she talked me through it. Not sure at first if I really miscarried, but after describing things was more certain. It was over. I lost our little baby.

A lot of crying came, Bryson being the great husband he was comforted me. He probably needed the comfort. He was the one in the bathroom identifying things while I was on the phone. He saw the little baby. The sac was about the size of a ping pong ball, and the baby inside the sac.

I called my mom, she comforted me the best she could as Bryson just held me. After the initial shock of my miscarriage, Bryson asked if I wanted to see the baby. At first I said no, but eventually gave in. I could see my little baby. I saw the eyes, and the hands forming. Even 10 weeks the baby had distinct features. I know this sounds weird, but it really comforted me. I know that the Lord helped me and this was his way for me to accept things. It’s amazing that what the body can do. Obviously there was something wrong, and my body knew what to do. It sent me into a form of labor, and then delivered the baby.

Together we read other stories on the internet of miscarriages. It brought comfort knowing other people have gone through the same thing. The tears stopped and acceptance came.  Something had not been right all along, and deep down both of us knew that. I think having that feeling helped me cope with some emotions.

I’ve had a nightmare since I was little. I used to think if I kissed someone (even my parents) I could get pregnant. Or some people just got pregnant just like Mary.   I was always scared that I would be using the bathroom and a baby would just come out. A couple years down the road I learned that a baby wouldn’t just fall out. I believed that till this day. However my baby just fell out. It makes me scared for future pregnancies, but I know whatever happens, the lord is on my side and he will help me through whatever comes.

I’m so grateful for this gospel. I don’t know if this baby will come again, or if I will have another child waiting for me in heaven when I die. But I do know that I will meet this sweet spirit again. I know I wasn’t that far along, but far along enough to see the baby. See the eyes and body parts. Feel the love, have my motherly love towards the little baby.

After talking to the doctor about everything. He helped my understand why miscarriages happen. It wasn't because I did anything, but because of something in the very beginning. I'm not sure what caused mine, but most likely too many chromosomes. There are so many little things that have to happen in order for the baby to be created. It's really a miracle. When too many chromosomes occur sometimes it causes the baby to grow slower. This described my baby. I was measuring 2 weeks behind what I really was. It's really a miracle what our bodies can do.  How my body recognized that something was wrong and did something about it. I know this trial will make me a better person and not take anything for granted next time around. I hope I get sick with the next one, then I will know everything is good! :)

 Hopefully by sharing my story others will feel comforted, just like I did. Some one else can find comfort reading about it, just like I did the night I needed comfort.